We can work it out?

Posted by: bossybetsy on: May 20, 2010

In: friends | relationships
Comment!

Dear Betsy,

I’m kind of in love with a guy. We hang out all the time and we laugh and have fun and agree on everything. He’s pretty much perfect for me. Like, randomly throughout the day, he’ll call me, recite a Sue Sylvester quote, and then hang up. Isn’t that awesome?

The only problem is, he is sort of gay. I mean, he says he’s gay. He seems like he’s gay. But he’s never had a boyfriend or anything, so what if he’s not gay? If I may quote Sue, “So you like show tunes. It doesn’t mean you’re gay. It just means you’re awful.”

How do I tell him I want to be with him forever? I’m afraid he’s going to freak out. I don’t want to ruin the friendship, you know? But I have visions of us getting married and living happily ever after and watching Glee together for the rest of our lives.

Signed,
We can work it out?

Dear Work Out,

No. You can’t work it out. If a guy tells you he’s gay, that means he does not have any interest in getting married to you and living happily ever after. He won’t be living happily, because while you’re watching Glee, he’ll be wishing he was with Mr. Schue instead of you. That’s not what you want for him, or for yourself.

When I was in law school, I used to have a best friend named Jeff, who was also same-sex oriented. It was when Will and Grace was still on TV, but we didn’t call ourselves Will and Grace. He called me Oprah and I called him Gayle. Because I was bossy and he was gay.

Jeff and I used to like to have drink or three on Friday afternoons after we were done with our last class of the week, and then we’d go to the Bon Marché to look at all the stuff we were going to buy when we were out of school and had fabulous, lucrative careers. (Ha.) One day when we were in housewares looking at stand mixers, I had a brilliant idea–we could get married! And then we could register for all kinds of presents that people would buy for us, and his parents would speak to him again! And we could have a fabulous honeymoon in Ireland, where we both wanted to go. “And then,” I said, “we can do our own annulment!”

Jeff freaked out and ran away. I went through every department in the Bon looking for him. He wasn’t in Menswear. He wasn’t in Leather Furniture. He wasn’t in Baths, which was his favorite. I finally spotted him hiding in Matronly Attire, which was a place I’d never seen him go to before. Finally I pinned him against an old lady dress and demanded to know what his damage was.

“YOU SAID WE COULD DO IT ALL NIGHT!” he cried. What? “YOU SAID WE COULD DO IT ALL NIGHT. You said we could get married and do it all night! I’m GAY! I can’t do it with you!” When I stopped laughing, I explained that I said we could do our own ANNULMENT. Not IT ALL NIGHT. He started breathing normally again. The color returned to his face.

But things were never the same between Oprah and Gayle after that. I think he thought that I secretly harbored a desire to do It All Night with him, which I swear to you I did not. Plus then I quit law school and we drifted apart and blah blah et cetera.

My point, Work Out, is that people are who they are and you can’t make them be who you want them to be because it’s better for you. That’s not cool. Also not cool? Taking Sue Sylvester seriously. We’re talking about a woman who often yells at homeless people: “Hey, how is that homelessness working out for you? Try not being homeless for once.” Not cool, Work Out. Not cool.

Some day you’ll find an awesome guy who is not terrified at the prospect of It All Night with you. And who knows, he may even like Glee. (Probably not. But maybe. It could happen. Possibly.)

Hope that helps,
Bets

Got a problem or a Sue Sylvester quote? Email me at advice at bossybetsy.com.