Dear Betsy,

My stupid friends are stupid, and so am I. A couple of weeks ago we were out and I was drinking and someone asked me who my celebrity crush was. I couldn’t think of anybody. They wouldn’t let me say I didn’t have a celebrity crush. Unfortunately, right before I left to go out I was watching Celebrity Fit Club, so the only person who popped into my head was

Yeah. Sebastian Bach. I could just as easily have said K-Fed or Harvey Whatsit the Fourth, but I didn’t. Ever since then, people have been posting Skid Row videos on my Facebook wall, or singing, “I’ll Remember You” when I walk by. But the worst thing was that it turns out that my friend’s cousin’s sister’s uncle or something is his accountant, so they got Sebastian Bach to call me on the phone. They told him I was his biggest fan and I have alopecia. He felt sorry for me. He asked me about my hair and what my favorite song of his was. I lied all over the place. I was so embarrassed.

How do I get them to stop with this? I am so tired of hair metal I could scream.

Signed,
My crime is time, and it’s 18 and life to go.

Dear Crime,

I think the solution is clear. You need to get someone in your group to admit to being a fan of someone way more embarrassing than Sebastian Bach. Maybe next time you’re out drinking, you ask one of your guy friends how where he stands on the Tiffany vs Debbie Gibson question. Or see if you can get a dude to confess to having liked the Annie movie when he was a kid–either the 80s original or the 90s TV version, it doesn’t matter. Or, I have a way better one–get anyone to tell you which Golden Girl he or she would hook up with. (Don’t let them pick Blanche. Everybody would pick Blanche.)

It looks like you’re going to have to fight like a switchblade so no one can take you down. Do you have tequila in your heartbeat? Do your veins burn gasoline? If yes, you can take them. And then they’ll forget all about you and Sebastian, and start Photoshopping your other friend getting busy with Dorothy Zbornak.

Hope that helps,
Bets

Need advice or the lyrics to a mid-80s light metal power ballad? Email me at advice at bossybetsy.com.