Dear BB,

I’m a woman with a male friend who, several years back, professed his undying love for me and told me he wished we can be more than friends. I gave a polite refusal and a justifiable excuse (we live on different continents) and he seemed content to remain just friends. We communicate by e-mail maybe once every 2-3 months and I’ve noticed something weird about his communiqués: often times he will reference information that I have not given him and indeed seems to be obtained only by extensive and persistent Google searches. Now, I’m perfectly fine with aspects of my professional life being public, but am I not justified in being freaked out a bit when someone mentions my scholarly publications, participation at conferences, etc. completely unsolicited? How do I tell said “friend” that I’m onto him and this is not acceptable behavior?

Signed,

Sick of Being Googled

Dear Sick,

Wait, is it bad to google people?  I am such a google monkey.  I am nosy (surprise!). I like to know things about people.  I don’t do anything with the information, usually.  I just keep it stored in my head, right next to the lyrics to the Facts of Life theme song and the word I missed in the fourth grade spelling bee (gubernatorial).

I’ve never given this any thought before this minute, but it seems like it’s poor form to google someone and then tell them what you found.  Googling should be kept to the privacy of one’s own computer.  Does my co-worker need to know that I found out she got caught streaking in 1992?  I think not.  Does my friend need to know there is a porn-star-turned-evangelist with her exact same name?  Well, maybe someday that could come in handy.

If he lived closer, I could see being freaked out.  But since he’s googling from afar, I think it’s less creepy than it is annoying.  He’s not going to hurt you with what he’s finding out about you, right?  He’s just going to…know it.  Is that so bad? I don’t think so, but the fact that it bothers you means that it is worth addressing.

I think the next time he emails you and says, “Hey, how was your conference in Helsinki with Boutros Boutros-Ghali and Bono?” you should say something like, “You must have googled me. It was good.  Bono is short.”  That’s not an outright confrontation, but it does give him an opening to explain why he’s searching your name so much.  If he ignores it, leave it be until the next time (if there is one) and then ask him why he’s doing it.  Odds are it’s just because he’s in love with you, and there is nothing more to it than that.

If that doesn’t work, change your name to Britney Jean Spears.  Then he’ll never know what you’re up to.

Hope that helps,

BB